Changing

Hello.

It has been well, months. I don't think anyone reads my blog but well if you are here, I am sincerely greeting you with my warmest greetings and my biggest grin on my face (with dimples of course).

Today I took the time to read back all my older posts and it made me realize something, I have grown. I have grown so much and suddenly I feel like an old hag. It feels just like last year that I have started blogging but reading all my old and unpublished posts, it dawned upon me that it has been 8 years. 

16 year old me would have never imagined what I have become. 16 year old me would be on a bed flipping through fashion magazines, looking up to fashion editors and reading up on biographies of fashion designers. I was so ignorant and I have to confess, I was bandwagon-hopper. I would just agree blindly with people despite the differences and soon enough, it altered my views to comply with theirs.

But now?

I know it is a process of life to grow old and of course naturally, the changes in views happens. I can assure you that perhaps when I turn 27, reading this post back would probably make me chuckle. Chuckling at the fact that I acted as if I know myself so well but actually, I do not.  But I can say that as I turn 19 this year, I finally have my own views and opinions. Words in fashion magazines no longer trigger my interest but instead, words that make a difference does. Journalists or people who voices out their opinions or the injustice they are facing despite the repercussions that they might face really inspire me. Some examples would be Joseph Wilson's article on the New York Times pertaining the nuclear purchase of Iraq in Nigeria or Malala's BBC diary.

Ever since I was a kid, I have always wanted to do something big. No not big like dropping a sex-tape big. Well I mean, not yet..

Kidding.

I have always wanted to write. But damn it, I have gone through multiple majors since last June. Firstly going in as a Mass Communication student, then Journalism and Computer Science and now, International Relations and Economics. I feel as if I have went through all the categories with an exception for the sciences. Hmm, perhaps I'll switch to a Physics major next? I think I should, it sounds totally me. All hail E=MC2?

But in all seriousness, I have finally found what I truly want to become. As cliche and cheesy the next sentence is going to sound, I can say that I have finally found me. Every time I tell people what I wanted to do, the same sentence would always be mentioned "It is good that you know what you want to do while I am still unsure what I want to become or deciding what I am good at". That sentence would be mentioned by people of all ages. Parents would come up to me praising me that I have a goal in life  and friends would tell me that they are envious of me. But not once have I found pride in the compliments because I always question myself this :

Does anyone ever find themselves? 

I can say that I know my purpose in life now, my reason for existing and the ability to make an identity for myself. However, can I really tell what happens tomorrow? Will I wake up tomorrow with my hand twitching to solve physics equations on the whiteboard? Or will I wake up feeling inspired by Da Vinci and next thing you know, I am suddenly recreating the Mona Lisa? Typing that out made me realize what a good idea that sounds like. I would probably recreate that but perhaps altering her features to more like mine. I mean, if I can paint a stroke on a blank canvas without messing it up that is. 

Do not get me wrong, I had a lot of interest in writing and talking that was why I took Mass Comm. And then I realized "Hey I have been coding since 13 and I am good with IT, why don't I make a career out of that as well since it is highly sort after?". Before I know it, I have already been through two majors. I might come out now as a person who is confident about becoming successful in the future, but in all honesty, I am worried. Like everyone else, I get doubtful about my future. Questioning myself everyday and the incapability to be who I want to be floods me from time to time. However, I think I finally understood about how things work.

It is all about taking risks. 

People can have multiple interests and I still have a passion for Journalism and IT. But never have I ever encountered an interest that motivates me everyday. I will spend my free time studying IR materials. Yes studying not forcefully but instead, willingly. I will do my research and study out of what my syllabus were teaching. My bookmark tabs are all news article, history research on wars or website like The Foreign Policy or The Guardian. I know this might sound a bit similar to when I had a passion for fashion, but this is honestly different. My next statement might come off gay, but I truly can feel the sparks and the relationship with my current major. And I feel truly contented with that.

It took me a while to get here, to realize my change and understanding what I really wanted to do. I am still unsure what is going to happen next but I am going to take this risk willingly. After reading all this, you might not even understand what is the aim of this post because I myself do not even know what I am trying to point out. I just felt like writing this post. But I think what I am trying to convey here is to take the risk. Take the leap of faith. You might disagree with me on this issue but hey, who am I to give advice? 

After all, I am just a 19 year old girl behind a screen who has access to internet right?