Insecurity.
I am sure this word isn't something foreign to all of you reading this. The definition of insecurity means an uncertainty or anxiety about one self ; lack of confidence. It is scientifically proven that almost everyone has insecurities. It just to what extent they let their insecurities take over.
I have yet to come across someone who isn't insecure about their certain something, it could be about their height,weight, or just anything really. I know of someone who is so insecure about his toes. But then again, I do not know everyone in this whole entire world so I cannot say this for the whole population on earth.
Well this post is more about my Insecurity and how it literally took over my life. If you know me in real life you would most probably know about how fat I was as a kid and about my weight-loss journey. I am not going to dwell so much into that but yes I was literally overweight my whole life. You could say I have every right to be insecure about my appearance since I was kid because of the mean remarks I would get as kid till now. I was so insecure to the extent that I would just block out everybody and refusing to go out with my friends because of my size.
I was just so ashamed. It took over my life. I would limit myself to get some certain stuff done or participate in activities because of my weight. I would NEVER join any marathons, outdoor activities or just a simple boat ride because I was afraid my weight would cause the boat to collapse. Okay that is pretty impossible since I was not even close to a 100kg. But that is what insecurity does to one, it makes them think of the worse of themselves when it is actually not true.
Back then when I was fat, without looking I would always get the biggest size clothing thinking I was actually that obese. Unless back then the "drowning-in-your-clothes" trend was trending, I definitely wasted my money.
I would always tell myself "lose 5kg then you can do this" or "lose 10kg if you want to wear a sleeveless top" etc. I would always admire bigger girls who would wear a bikini, crop top, shorts and sleeveless tees. How nice would it be if I had the confidence like them even though they were bigger than me.
Even now after my weight-loss, I still feel insecure as hell. Especially when I am on dates. I could really dislike the guy I am out with but inside of me I would still be insecure about my appearance. I started having a lot of confidence until.. there was this one particular guy who I went out with really did cause my insecurity to go from bad to worse because of the statements he would make. This happened after my weight-loss. I actually had feelings for him and he did too for me but I am glad that someone close to me said this sentence that I would always remember forever "Do not be with someone who causes you to think less of yourself, be with someone who brings out the confidence in you". That sentence hit me hard and I immediately cut him off.
But after that experience, I would just be so insecure when I go out on dates till this day in fact. People close with me would know this because I would always hesitate when I get asked out even though if I really do fancy that someone. Only after countless of pushing from my friends, I would agree to it.
One day, I really hope I would get over this fear and insecurity. Insecurities does not only exist in bigger size people. They are so many people out there who feels so insecure about themselves because they are skinny. So think twice before making a mean remark. You could be making a harmless joke remark about their hair/body/eyes etc but to them, it is honestly like a dagger to their heart. They would act as if everything is all fine and actually laugh with you but when they go back, they would have to battle their way through their inner demons which is their insecurities. At least that is what I do every time when that happens to me. Everyone fights their inner demons in different ways. Some ways are healthy and some isn't (like self-harm). Everyone needs to understand that everyone has some sort of inner struggles that we do not know of. We should not pick on the struggles of others.
I am not confident but I feel confident when I have my eyeliner on. It is weird but it is the truth. I feel so much better when a stupid black line is on my eyelids. Do something that makes you feel confident. If wearing some sexy lingerie underneath your clothing makes you feel confident, do it! Heels? Flaunt your legs then! Do not let people tell you what to do. I believe confidence is key to almost anything in life. But being over-confident is another story. There is a saying by Vin Diesel that says " It is always insecurity that chases you and standing in between your dreams "
I learnt that now that back then I could be 100kg but I could still run a marathon and ride a boat, ride a horse and just literally anything!! I wasted my whole 16 years of my life limiting myself because I gave in to my insecurity and it took over my life.
I am still insecure. But by baby steps,I believe one day I will get over it.
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment