The experience that changed my life.

Despite coming from a third world developing country Malaysia, I would argue to say that I have been living the first-world life. Luxurious accommodation, plenty of food, so much freedom and basically living an ultra comfortable life. However we living the first-world life, we are not ignorant and we know exactly what is happening to the world. We know that climate change is an issue, we know there are people living in poverty and we obviously know that some of the lives of animals and plants on this earth are close to extinction. It is being plastered all over the media.

So for the past 3 months, I embarked on an expedition. We were in the heart of Borneo, Sabah. Our very first project was situated in the middle of a primary rainforest in Danum Valley that was mainly for scientific research to be done. Because of how untouched it was, I definitely got to witness all kinds of insects and animals. From huge ass wild pigs ransacking into our kitchen, blood dripping all over the floor due to leech bites and to having a spider the size of my palm on top of my sleeping area for 3 weeks, you name it. Oh boy how I wish it ended there. Our daily routine also consisted of exhausting labor work like carrying 50kg cement bags, gravels, doing cementing, assisting in scientific research, etc. Yes and that involves getting everything done under the scorching hot sun. Despite all that, I loved it. I loved it so much. I mean come on guys, getting drenched in mud and cement everyday isn't too bad. Even if it was, I guess waking up to the sound of waterfalls while we were in middle of the rain forest for 3 weeks helped!

Moving on to the second project, my group and I went down to a rather remote village which was situated on top of mountains and having Mount Kinabalu as our neighboring mountain. Despite everything that nature has to offer to them, the village lacked access to water due to droughts and climate change. And that is where Raleigh came in. We were building dams, laying pipes, building toilets and having sessions for the villagers to ensure that what we are providing to them will be sustainable. It was definitely a joy to see their faces light up when water starts flowing out from their own tap. 

As cheesy this sounds, I fell in love. I fell in love with the village. You wake up to the most beautiful sunrise overlooking mountains upon mountains and then you see the sun setting. At night, you get to witness the most beautiful stars just right outside your sleeping area. It is honestly the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Other than the geographical location, what really made me fell in love was the gratitude shown towards us by the villagers. Everyday, knocks on our door would be heard and when we open the door, food and fruits would be shoved in our faces. They had so little but yet they offered so much.  Till this day,  I will always remember this statement made that really hit me "kamu semua datang kat sini tolong kita, kita amat bersyukur untuk dapat kamu semua tapi kita tidak tau macam mana untuk bayar balik jasa baik kamu kecuali dengan membagi*" (you guys come into our village and helped us so much, we are so grateful and we have no idea how to repay you except by giving). When we as a group came into this village, to us, it was just 3 weeks of hard labor work. But to them, it was everything. It was something that changed their life. They were like a family to me. Hate to be the epithet of a "cry baby", but I cried. and I cried. I left a piece of my heart in that village. 

On the very last project, we ended our whole expedition with 3 weeks of trekking in the middle of a tropical rain forest. Carrying 3 weeks worth of can food, group equipment and with 2 pairs of clothes, we set off. It was hot, humid, cold, freezing cold, pouring rain, basically it was everything. I have to be honest here, this phase was definitely the toughest phase for all of us. I mean, hiking 200km uphill under the scorching sun with bags we could not even carry on our backs everyday? Yeah. Thinking about it, I have no idea how I did it. But I guess what really set the bar for this challenge was our mental strength. It was mentally challenging as it was determination that really got me going. To not break down. Yes in case if you're wondering, I did cry. Twice. The first one when it was freezing cold, exhausted and all I wanted to do was to crawl into my hammock to sleep but I guess mother nature was not on my side as there was a puddle in my hammock. The second one, I burnt the tongue of my super expensive hiking shoes. I cried badly in the second one. 

I could not shower, I stunk, my toilet was a dug hole but I am still immensely in love with the rain forest. I am just so in love with everything that it has to offer and that is why I am trying my very best to save it. I always hear about palm oil plantations and deforestation, but coming here, I saw it all and I knew I needed to protect this.

 Before this, I knew this problem existed but I always chose to close a blind eye to it. But being in that environment for 3 months, how many blind eyes can I close? What is happening is real. It is happening right in front of our eyes and we need to do something about it. That is why this whole experience has shaped me in so many different ways. My perspective on life has changed and I am just so much more appreciative of everything that I have now.  I do not want to be that bystander by the side merely witnessing it, but instead I want to be the one that take action to save it.  As of now, I am only using biodegradable products, I try my best not to waste water and as cliche as this sounds, I changed. Hopefully for the better. Depending on which side of the climate change spectrum you are standing on. 

Would I ever do it again? Heck yeah. I loved every moment of it and hated it at the same time. But I am not so sure whether I will be able to do with the 3 months of can food as meals, chlorinated river water as my drink and plain porridge (oats) for breakfast ever again though. Yuk. 

To know more about Raleigh expeditions and what they do : Raleigh International

To see my journey via photos : Album Photos

xx

Changing

Hello.

It has been well, months. I don't think anyone reads my blog but well if you are here, I am sincerely greeting you with my warmest greetings and my biggest grin on my face (with dimples of course).

Today I took the time to read back all my older posts and it made me realize something, I have grown. I have grown so much and suddenly I feel like an old hag. It feels just like last year that I have started blogging but reading all my old and unpublished posts, it dawned upon me that it has been 8 years. 

16 year old me would have never imagined what I have become. 16 year old me would be on a bed flipping through fashion magazines, looking up to fashion editors and reading up on biographies of fashion designers. I was so ignorant and I have to confess, I was bandwagon-hopper. I would just agree blindly with people despite the differences and soon enough, it altered my views to comply with theirs.

But now?

I know it is a process of life to grow old and of course naturally, the changes in views happens. I can assure you that perhaps when I turn 27, reading this post back would probably make me chuckle. Chuckling at the fact that I acted as if I know myself so well but actually, I do not.  But I can say that as I turn 19 this year, I finally have my own views and opinions. Words in fashion magazines no longer trigger my interest but instead, words that make a difference does. Journalists or people who voices out their opinions or the injustice they are facing despite the repercussions that they might face really inspire me. Some examples would be Joseph Wilson's article on the New York Times pertaining the nuclear purchase of Iraq in Nigeria or Malala's BBC diary.

Ever since I was a kid, I have always wanted to do something big. No not big like dropping a sex-tape big. Well I mean, not yet..

Kidding.

I have always wanted to write. But damn it, I have gone through multiple majors since last June. Firstly going in as a Mass Communication student, then Journalism and Computer Science and now, International Relations and Economics. I feel as if I have went through all the categories with an exception for the sciences. Hmm, perhaps I'll switch to a Physics major next? I think I should, it sounds totally me. All hail E=MC2?

But in all seriousness, I have finally found what I truly want to become. As cliche and cheesy the next sentence is going to sound, I can say that I have finally found me. Every time I tell people what I wanted to do, the same sentence would always be mentioned "It is good that you know what you want to do while I am still unsure what I want to become or deciding what I am good at". That sentence would be mentioned by people of all ages. Parents would come up to me praising me that I have a goal in life  and friends would tell me that they are envious of me. But not once have I found pride in the compliments because I always question myself this :

Does anyone ever find themselves? 

I can say that I know my purpose in life now, my reason for existing and the ability to make an identity for myself. However, can I really tell what happens tomorrow? Will I wake up tomorrow with my hand twitching to solve physics equations on the whiteboard? Or will I wake up feeling inspired by Da Vinci and next thing you know, I am suddenly recreating the Mona Lisa? Typing that out made me realize what a good idea that sounds like. I would probably recreate that but perhaps altering her features to more like mine. I mean, if I can paint a stroke on a blank canvas without messing it up that is. 

Do not get me wrong, I had a lot of interest in writing and talking that was why I took Mass Comm. And then I realized "Hey I have been coding since 13 and I am good with IT, why don't I make a career out of that as well since it is highly sort after?". Before I know it, I have already been through two majors. I might come out now as a person who is confident about becoming successful in the future, but in all honesty, I am worried. Like everyone else, I get doubtful about my future. Questioning myself everyday and the incapability to be who I want to be floods me from time to time. However, I think I finally understood about how things work.

It is all about taking risks. 

People can have multiple interests and I still have a passion for Journalism and IT. But never have I ever encountered an interest that motivates me everyday. I will spend my free time studying IR materials. Yes studying not forcefully but instead, willingly. I will do my research and study out of what my syllabus were teaching. My bookmark tabs are all news article, history research on wars or website like The Foreign Policy or The Guardian. I know this might sound a bit similar to when I had a passion for fashion, but this is honestly different. My next statement might come off gay, but I truly can feel the sparks and the relationship with my current major. And I feel truly contented with that.

It took me a while to get here, to realize my change and understanding what I really wanted to do. I am still unsure what is going to happen next but I am going to take this risk willingly. After reading all this, you might not even understand what is the aim of this post because I myself do not even know what I am trying to point out. I just felt like writing this post. But I think what I am trying to convey here is to take the risk. Take the leap of faith. You might disagree with me on this issue but hey, who am I to give advice? 

After all, I am just a 19 year old girl behind a screen who has access to internet right?

Pre & Post

2015, a year full of challenges and obstacles. However it being a rather terrible year, it was a very beautiful year because of the new things I had the opportunity to experience and the inhibiting courage within me finally decided to make an appearance in my life. Like the quote says, what does not kill you just makes you stronger.  I would sum 2015 as a year where I was out of my comfort zone. I opened myself up into trying new things and some resulted  rather horribly but as for some of it, it was a success. Despite all the dramas and the bad parts of 2015, I am glad it happened. The last thing that I am truly grateful for has got to be, friends. I can not put into words on how blessed I am to have friends that has stuck by me and helped me to get through the rough patches of 2015. 

Since I am putting 2015 behind, I am going to write a list of things and do the typical cliche New Year's resolution. 

In 2016, I hope to be more altruistic 

Taking advantage -a bad habit of mine. I openly admit that I have a tendency to take people for granted especially people close to me. I hope to get rid of this and I also hope to be selfless in a way where I take pleasure in the little things in life, appreciating everything I have instead of complaining. 

In 2016, I hope to love myself 

To be frank, I am very tired of the life I am currently living. Living a life where my life is based on how people perceived of me and I came into realization that the whole world does not revolve around me. The likes on Instagram and the time spent on looking good does not define me. I should really stop being insecure about my appearance and accept the fact that God created me that way uniquely. 

In 2016, I hope to be more tolerant

If you are close to me, this is a rather obvious flaw. My tolerant span can be considered pretty low. I get annoyed easily and because of that, I sometimes tend to lash out at people (apologizing afterwards). I truly hope that I would be able to be more patient with other people and get rid of this bad habit of mine.

In 2016, I hope to give back more to society 

Volunteering. A word often used in my blog. I love volunteering and I hope in 2016, I will be given the opportunity to volunteer more. I can't believe that I sometimes have thoughts  that I am the unluckiest girl in this world when millions of people in this world has it much worse than me such as ISIS victims and all the Syrian immigrants. So in 2016, I hope to give a lending hand to those in need.

In 2016, I hope to voice out more.

I have strong beliefs and I stand strongly on them but whenever I get disparagement from individuals, I tend to sway hence complying and forcing myself to agree on their points. I hope that in 2016, I will be able to voice out more and standing up for what I believe in. 

Lastly, I think this is a rather typical New Year's resolution. 

In 2016, I hope to be healthier.

Among all the resolutions, this is the hardest to keep. Ever since I have started college, I barely had time for my studies let alone working out but deep down, I know these are all excuses. If I can make time to have fun with my friends, why is an hour of workout not doable? 

Looking at all these resolutions, I sound as if I hope to be perfect in 2016. I will never be perfect but if there are amendments that can be made to make us better individuals, why not? 

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year and hoping the year ahead will treat you well! 

Feminism & why rape is never the victim's fault

Rape. A word often flashed and spread on the news and social media. Just a little heads up, I am not a rape victim but I would like to share opinion on this matter. Some people might agree with me and some people might not. I might get hate for this but this is what I strongly believe in and have no intentions of changing it. 

Go on any social media sites, awareness pertaining the demands of women equality is often the talk-about topic. Looking at feminism over the years, the then taboo label has definitely been shredded. The escape of feminism can never be done on any social media as everyone has an opinion to this - positive and negative. What is my opinion on this? Well for starters, I am a feminist. There I said it. I have always been an in-the-closet feminist as I was scared of the aftermath of me revealing it but guess what? I am no longer ashamed of being a feminist. I might get disagreements on this matter, but I stand strongly on this belief. 

This post is rather not emphasizing on the fact that I am feminist but this is a post for all those people who have the audacity to victim-shame rape victims. Recently, I read a post made by a guy on Instagram where he wrote a message advising all females out there to cover up to avoid getting rape. He started off by admitting that males get sexually aroused rather easily. Because of this facile, we as females should cover up to prevent the happening of rape upon us. He then goes on saying that when we dress appropriately, we will earn the respect of guys as guys are not interested in girls who dress rather provocatively. He made a few statements here and there as well but I cannot recall word-by-word. The worst part to this case, that particular post got so many positive feedback from people. Comments on praises and their expression of gratitude to his advice were flocking on that post. A particular individual even made a comment thanking him for not conforming into society's standard of "beauty" and that person's faith in humanity is restored. Please do not get me started on that comment made, I am going nuts. Want to hear a joke? These supposedly internet netizens commenting are by.. wait for it - females.

It really mind boggles me about the fact that these comments being made are from females. My gender. How can any female out there even allow themselves to swallow this piece of advice and agree to this? This makes me honestly rather despondent knowing that females are not standing up for themselves. However to brighten up the situation, there were a few females who disagreed to this and voiced their opinion on that post. Kudos to them. 

I would like to start off first by saying that rape is never the victim's fault. Females should be able to not feel insecure about their decision on their attire chose in any social settings. I am not saying that for just females, any individual as a matter including males and transsexuals should not need to feel insecure. Growing up, we as females were told to dress in a certain way to avoid any harmful situations upon ourselves. The question here is this, why do we as females need to dress to prevent? Not sure whether this applies for most females but growing up, I was constantly told not to go out in revealing clothes as apparently this gives an avenue for rape. Apparently wearing short shorts or tight clothes provides people the same exact message as walking around in the streets with a "rape me" cardboard.

Google rape prevention and you will be flooded with all sorts of illogical and logical ways for prevention. The common advice women receive are tips for “how not to get raped” – stay sober, don’t go anywhere alone at night – basically, to not put ourselves in a situation that might get us raped. This kind of strategy is wrong and preserves the power structures that perpetuate violence. Rape is not about sex, it’s about power; it’s about someone dominating someone else. When we blame sexual assault victims, we tell them it was their fault and that they should have known better. Rape has become downplayed at times in our society, and we aren’t shocked when it happens. It's always the same old questions. Was she drunk? Did she "lead him on''? What was she wearing? Why did she go out alone? . Victim blaming perpetuates the idea that rape is normal. So what if she is dressed in a tight dress? So what if she had a couple of drinks? So what if she lead him on but decided against it at the end? So what if she has slept with hundred of guys? Here is an example, if the statement "It was her fault for dressing provocative, she was asking for it" is true, then I guess I can go around hitting every individual's head with a hammer. I mean they are not wearing a helmet, they are kind of asking for it. These are not reasons to be used as triggers for rape. Victim blaming is telling a girl her rape didn’t mean anything because she was sexually active. Victim blaming is telling a girl she should expect to get raped if she dresses a certain way or tells someone she wants to have sex and then says “no” later. Victim blaming is an all too common response to sexual assault in our culture and it needs to stop, period.

Going back to my aforementioned post, I understand that the posting of that guy was written for prevention with good intentions. However I am sorry, but I have to disagree with every single statement he made in that posting. Rape happens to everyone, female, male, kids and even animals. When an individual is thirsty, all means and ways will be used to quench one's thirst. Contradicting his statement, I will say that our clothing choices are not the leading causes behind rape. Heck, I could be parading around with an astronaut suit and still get raped if I am surrounded by individuals who are sexually aroused. About the tendency of males getting sexually aroused easily, this is absolutely not an excuse. When I am hungry, do you see me running into a restaurant and just literally taking every plate off the counter like a crazy mad lady shoving them down my throat? No. Also, why is he emphasizing on the respect of males to be earned? I am sorry to burst your bubble but we females do not revolve around you males and the only respect we really need is self-respect. 

After reading this post, I might sound like some man eater or hater, whatever. But I am not, I believe in gender equality and this is my opinion. I would like to end by saying that society need to stop blaming rape victims and start acknowledging the real issue – society does not tell men to not rape, it tells women to not get raped.

Cheers.

Society's Standards of Beauty

 Credits to Summer Yuen for this candid shot

Hi. I have not been updating this space for about 2 weeks now and I am sorry. I was really occupied with all the activites that having personal time for myself was not on my mind. This post shall be an update about my life for the past 2 weeks. I think I should start my own reality TV show, I am sure  "Keeping Up With Risny Tan" will be a hit. Maybe except less ginormous butt air time in it and also more subtle contouring ( no I am not referring to the Kardashians, please do not jump into conclusions )

Well I started college, and I guess as the days goes by, things are getting better? Also, last week was the date of the Nerd Party which the whole team and I really put our whole effort by starting out at noon and ending at night to get things done daily for that whole week. I am honestly really glad for their help as it would not be a reality without all of them.

On a more emotional side note, recently I have been having these thoughts on going in my head. My insecurity shot up sky-high since I started school. I guess witnessing all these perfect girls in my school walking around gracefully puts me in a position to feel as if I am obligated to look like one of them. I actually did try adjusting my style so that I would fit in into that category for a day, but I soon gave in to my old style. 

I did not felt like myself and I was so insecure. Actually, I still am lol. I do not have glistening pearly white skin like the rest of the girls. Neither do I have long slim legs, a slender body and also a shining aura bursting up from me when I walk as if the lights of heaven shadows my movements.I have a rather tan red skin undertone and I do not have a slender body. Satisfaction about myself actually sometimes does dwells within me but my features do not fit into the criteria of 'beauty' in the eyes of the society. I have a large body frame rather than a small petite body frame like how most of the girls do. I do not have a cute height where guys tower them, instead sometimes I am the one towering them or averagely, we are both the same height. I am not saying that all guys I meet are short, it just happens in general that my height is considered the average height for men in my country but I do know of guys who are taller than me.  I am just basically speaking out in general.

Will I ever be able to reach society's standards of beauty? That, I will never know. But I do know one thing is that, I absolutely do not need to conform to society's standards of beauty. Maybe I will continue with my fad diet lol. But as for the rest, I am still going to be me. Risny Tan. I am not going to limit my love for outdoor activites due to the fact I do not want to get any shade darker (which I so happen to actually love my tan but secretly everyone hates, except for my caucasian friends lol) If people are not bothered into getting to know me because of the lack of my features, I honestly do not care. I love myself and I will find better people out there who actually likes my personality rather than my appreance.

I hope coming off as arrogant or snobbish did not drop into your mind after reading this post. I still have my insecurties, yes. But I am not going to let it take a toll in my life because I personally feel that it did managed to take a toll during these past few weeks. 

Not going to lie, sometimes I have thoughts about how if I only modified myself, I would be accepted. But would that not defeat the purpose of me being myself? I mean, come on.

I am Risny Tan. I am irreplacable. HAHA okay that was clearly a bad joke.

Cheers.

Quaintrelle

Excuse my unmanicured nails 

If you are directed here from my Instagram, welcome. I have finally decided to make it known to the public about the existence of my blog because I feel that I am finally ready. My blog url has always been kept in the dark in my description box because I always felt that my blog was still in an experimental phase. 

So knowing that my blog is officially out there and in the public's eye, it actually makes me feel a tad petrified. Petrified and worried about how you readers would perceived my written content as something below mediocre. Truth to be told, I am actually very insecure about my writing and about this space. 

I had this blog for about two years now and reading back my old posts (which are now deleted from the internet forever, hopefully) it got me cringing as it was rather bone-chilling. The juxtaposition of my writing skills then and now is awfully noticeable in terms of grammar, the way I express my thoughts and just everything in general. 

Despite the juxtaposition, I am in no way claiming my writing now is immaculate. There is still so much room for improvement till my writing can be considered quintessential. Also, I will try to cut down on my rants and keep it short and simple. I cannot promise you that I will not leave one or two sentences of rants here and there (like I am right now).

Crossing my fingers that I will be able to not procrastinate and try to update constantly!

Insecurities

 What I Be Project by Steven Rosenfield

Insecurity. 

I am sure this word isn't something foreign to all of you reading this. The definition of insecurity means an uncertainty or anxiety about one self ; lack of confidence. It is scientifically proven that almost everyone has insecurities. It just to what extent they let their insecurities take over.

I have yet to come across someone who isn't insecure about their certain something, it could be about their height,weight, or just anything really. I know of someone who is so insecure about his toes. But then again, I do not know everyone in this whole entire world so I cannot say this for the whole population on earth. 

Well this post is more about my Insecurity and how it literally took over my life. If you know me in real life you would most probably know about how fat I was as a kid and about my weight-loss journey. I am not going to dwell so much into that but yes I was literally overweight my whole life. You could say I have every right to be insecure about my appearance since I was kid because of the mean remarks I would get as kid till now. I was so insecure to the extent that I would just block out everybody and refusing to go out with my friends because of my size. 

I was just so ashamed. It took over my life. I would limit myself to get some certain stuff done or participate in activities because of my weight. I would NEVER join any marathons, outdoor activities or just a simple boat ride because I was afraid my weight would cause the boat to collapse. Okay that is pretty impossible since I was not even close to a 100kg. But that is what insecurity does to one, it makes them think of the worse of themselves when it is actually not true.

Back then when I was fat, without looking I would always get the biggest size clothing thinking I was actually that obese. Unless back then the "drowning-in-your-clothes" trend was trending, I definitely wasted my money. 

I would always tell myself "lose 5kg then you can do this" or "lose 10kg if you want to wear a sleeveless top" etc. I would always admire bigger girls who would wear a bikini, crop top, shorts and sleeveless tees. How nice would it be if I had the confidence like them even though they were bigger than me.

Even now after my weight-loss, I still feel insecure as hell. Especially when I am on dates. I could really dislike the guy I am out with but inside of me I would still be insecure about my appearance. I started having a lot of confidence until.. there was this one particular guy who I went out with really did cause my insecurity to go from bad to worse because of the statements he would make. This happened after my weight-loss. I actually had feelings for him and he did too for me but I am glad that someone close to me said this sentence that I would always remember forever "Do not be with someone who causes you to think less of yourself, be with someone who brings out the confidence in you". That sentence hit me hard and I immediately cut him off. 

But after that experience, I would just be so insecure when I go out on dates till this day in fact. People close with me would know this because I would always hesitate when I get asked out even though if I really do fancy that someone. Only after countless of pushing from my friends, I would agree to it. 

One day, I really hope I would get over this fear and insecurity. Insecurities does not only exist in bigger size people. They are so many people out there who feels so insecure about themselves because they are skinny. So think twice before making a mean remark. You could be making a harmless joke remark about their hair/body/eyes etc but to them, it is honestly like a dagger to their heart. They would act as if everything is all fine and actually laugh with you but when they go back, they would have to battle their way through their inner demons which is their insecurities. At least that is what I do every time when that happens to me. Everyone fights their inner demons in different ways. Some ways are healthy and some isn't (like self-harm). Everyone needs to understand that everyone has some sort of inner struggles that we do not know of. We should not pick on the struggles of others.

I am not confident but I feel confident when I have my eyeliner on. It is weird but it is the truth. I feel so much better when a stupid black line is on my eyelids. Do something that makes you feel confident. If wearing some sexy lingerie underneath your clothing makes you feel confident, do it! Heels? Flaunt your legs then! Do not let people tell you what to do. I believe confidence is key to almost anything in life. But being over-confident is another story. There is a saying by Vin Diesel that says " It is always insecurity that chases you and standing in between your dreams "

I learnt that now that back then I could be 100kg but I could still run a marathon and ride a boat, ride a horse and just literally anything!! I wasted my whole 16 years of my life limiting myself because I gave in to my insecurity and it took over my life. 

I am still insecure. But by baby steps,I believe one day I will get over it.

xx

One day,

Hello. Guessing it has been ages since I have last blogged. I am writing this post because I guess I really need to get some things out of my chest and I have been really feeling down and upset about some certain stuff lately. I am a firm believer that things happens for a reason and that we should not have any regrets in life. 

Whenever the subject about feelings and love surfaces as a talk-about topic among my friends, I tend to stay out of it and just couldn't put around why feelings couldn't go away easily? Why are people crying and getting hurt over it for such a long time?

I guess I finally got a taste of it and realize how hard it actually is to let go of someone you really like. I am not gonna say it is love, because it is clearly is not. But I guess this is my first time actually really liking someone and then things went sour. I believe if we didn't have share the same mutual feelings towards each other, we would be best friends. 

My friends blamed me that it was my fault because of how I responded to my feelings and how that person misinterpreted it. But honestly, I do not regret anything that I've done. If I could have turn back time, I would have still done the same thing. Not gonna lie, at times I do secretly blame myself because of where it lead to but I try not to let that get in my way.

One day, I will find someone who truly likes/loves me whatever for who I truly am. I believe beauty is only found skin deep and one day someone would see it. This has been going for a few weeks now but I am proud of myself that I have yet to shed a tear even though my heart has been shattered over again and again. I have to be strong. This is just the beginning to adulthood.

Besides the fact my heart is bleeding, I am also seating for my major exam on November 3rd. I am stressing out about it and I feel so sluggish and uncomfortable due to the fact I have stopped exercising and eating clean for weeks now. Plus graduation is weeks away, college applications and brochures are piling up by my night desk. I am still confused and unsure of what my future holds for me, but in God I trust.

It is about time to get your shit together Risny! Yes I really need to get things together before it heads for the worse. Oh and also, I will be reliving this blog again after my exams. So do stay tuned for outfit posts! 

xx

New Year, New Dreams.

I still remember me counting down the days till Christmas and now I'm counting down the days till school reopens - tomorrow. The holidays was a long break for me to think about what I want and I really learnt a lot during the 2 months period of relaxation. But I guess I need to get back to reality cause school reopens tomorrow and I need to start studying. I am officially a senior in High School now and I am going to take my grades seriously, no more fooling around for me. I'm guessing late night toiling is gonna be part of my daily routine and definite myriad of notes all around is definitely something I will be seeing often in the near future.

My workload is gonna be doubled plus, I need to join lots of activities to get a good college application. I have big dreams to be fulfilled and with big dreams comes great responsibility

'Christmas at Tiffany's' is a really great book to read for the Christmas season. It was exciting and I cannot deny how envious I am of the main character's life. The book is about a lady who finds herself after stepping out of her comfort zone and travelling from New York, Paris and England. It is really an inspiring book and I couldn't put it down the moment I started reading it. I highly recommend this if your looking for something interesting to read during the holiday season (which is ending) but it's okay. I plan to get my hands on the next book 'Pillars of the Earth' which was recommended to me by someone. 

Well Happy New Year everyone! Wishing everyone who reads this that 2014 will be a year  filled with constant happiness and dreams becoming reality. 

xx